Saturday, July 28, 2007

Pouring my Heart Out

I feel lost. I know I'm not lost but I feel like I am. Or maybe its just that I know that I've lost some thing(s) and I'm at a loss trying to figure out how to get them back. Lost and tired are the perfect words to describe me right now. I am lost and tired. I just want to give up, not on life (that's way too much melodrama) but on that mysteriously lost thing(s). Maybe giving up is the right thing to do because there are certain things that no matter how much you will it, it just isn't up to you.

I need someone to talk to but right now I don't think that a friend will do. I am tired even of my friends. Sorry my dear friends I do love you so and I know how much more you all love me more (isn't that just egotistic? ^_^) but there are things you just don't pour out even to friends. Sometimes a well meaning and compassionate stranger is much better (no I'm not talking about a one night stand!). I wanted to call a counselor but the free ones are available weekdays only. That sounds so lame. It is really lame to find yourself reduced to reaching out to some unknown counselor and to whispering your problems on the phone anonymously. At the same time I am not stupid. I do recognize that if it was another person who did that I would tell that person that it is the right choice to ask for help. What makes me so special that what would be good for others would be lame for me? Nothing. I have come to realize that there is nothing that makes me special in that way.

This is not one of my pityfests though it may come across as that. Contrary to that it is a sign that tired as I am, I'm not too tired to take another step to help myself. I want to give up on something(s) but I am not giving up on myself. In fact I may not be more special than other people who are as lame as I am but I am special enough for me to do everything to make sure I don't get depressed again. Come Monday I will be calling the helpline. If I don't get any good advice I would at least be able to pour out my thoughts and feelings without hurting anyones feelings and without dragging anyone else into the situation.

4 comments:

kris said...

Hannah, I just read your last two posts. Very powerful. I hope you do feel better.

Hannah Grace said...

Hey Kris. That was fast. I do feel better and was just thinking of pulling them out. I will let it be though.

I just saw Blood Diamond to take my mind off from my brooding and my, it was effective. Nothing like real problems to make you realize how trivial problems mine are. LOL. I will still be calling helpline probably but at least things are more focused now and doesn't seem to be as crushing as it was a few hours ago.

Thanks.

kris said...

Blood diamonds was a great movie.

Anyway i know what you mean about talking to a stranger or simi-stranger instead of your friends sometimes.

A friend might have conflicting interests or will just tell you what you want or need to a hear. Strangers can be brutally honest.

If you have Aim, and wanna chat sometime let me know, my name on there is stealthfiction too.

Hannah Grace said...

Hi again. I don't have AIM though I do have a Yahoo ID and gmail account. I mostly just use the gmail. Thanks for the offer though. Next time I feel like going crazy or run out of work (I work at home) I would try to sign up in AIM and look for you!