I feel lost. I know I'm not lost but I feel like I am. Or maybe its just that I know that I've lost some thing(s) and I'm at a loss trying to figure out how to get them back. Lost and tired are the perfect words to describe me right now. I am lost and tired. I just want to give up, not on life (that's way too much melodrama) but on that mysteriously lost thing(s). Maybe giving up is the right thing to do because there are certain things that no matter how much you will it, it just isn't up to you.
I need someone to talk to but right now I don't think that a friend will do. I am tired even of my friends. Sorry my dear friends I do love you so and I know how much more you all love me more (isn't that just egotistic? ^_^) but there are things you just don't pour out even to friends. Sometimes a well meaning and compassionate stranger is much better (no I'm not talking about a one night stand!). I wanted to call a counselor but the free ones are available weekdays only. That sounds so lame. It is really lame to find yourself reduced to reaching out to some unknown counselor and to whispering your problems on the phone anonymously. At the same time I am not stupid. I do recognize that if it was another person who did that I would tell that person that it is the right choice to ask for help. What makes me so special that what would be good for others would be lame for me? Nothing. I have come to realize that there is nothing that makes me special in that way.
This is not one of my pityfests though it may come across as that. Contrary to that it is a sign that tired as I am, I'm not too tired to take another step to help myself. I want to give up on something(s) but I am not giving up on myself. In fact I may not be more special than other people who are as lame as I am but I am special enough for me to do everything to make sure I don't get depressed again. Come Monday I will be calling the helpline. If I don't get any good advice I would at least be able to pour out my thoughts and feelings without hurting anyones feelings and without dragging anyone else into the situation.