Saturday, October 21, 2006

On a roll

Wrote more than 8000 worth of words in the last 48 hours. Feels darn good to be tired. To know that at last I was able to be productive at work and didn't neglect sam at least for the past few days.

Commercial: 2nd earthquake of the night! It's 1:27AM in my watch.

That made me dizzy or maybe I should just catch some sleep. Need to write another 4000 words tomorrow. Thank God for the brown out kagabi kasi at the rate I'm going I'll get burnt out if I don't rest enough. So kunwari brown out ulit para maka rest ako ng mahimbing.

Oh I do hope I am finally learning to be disciplined. I really really do...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Farewell Pets!

After more than a year I decided to pay a visit to Neopets today. To my horror this is what appeared when I tried to login.

Active Neopet: Luxuriu282

What is this eyrie doing in my login page? Then I realized Neopets must have let my pets die at last...along with my identity there. Boohoo. I suddenly miss my pets and MY BOOK COLLECTION! My God all the time spent waiting in bookshops and bidding on rare books...gone. Sigh. Now I'm wondering whether I should create another account or not.

On other games maybe I should get back to a little gaming. I plan on playing Utopia, Sleuth, and maybe even Gumshoe. Neglected all the games when I had Sam but maybe it's time to play again. Utopia won't take more than 30mins a day after all.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Thea and Tita Tet

Thea is a girl I've known since high school. We've learned much from each other both good and bad. I've been blessed with great friends. Never have they abandoned me we I needed them. They might not have been there always but it was just circumstance and never abandonement. Most of the time it was actually me hiding from them, especially Thea. I hid from Thea during the times Aileen Paralag and I were getting chummy and I started learning vices I knew I shouldn't. I hid from her when my family was in deep financial trouble because I didn't want anyone to know. And I hid from her when Mark and I started engaging in pre-marital sex, which I knew was just totally wrong. I always hid from her when I was in trouble because I knew that she was one of the rare people that would actually tell me to my face stuff I didn't want to hear. She IS one of the rare people who can love me yet look at me and still tell me she disapproves. She's one of the rare people who accepts me but wouldn't really settle for me being less than what I can be and should strive to be. And she is one of the two people (Ian my childhood friend is the other one) who dared deliver groceries to our house anonymously knowing what it would to do to my pride but knowing then that we almost had nothing to eat and didn't have money to buy toothpaste or anything else at all. She made me cry then but she helped feed us for the next week. She always knew how to make me face things I didn't want to face but was neccessary for my survival. And now she's the one in trouble.

Tita Tet, though we rarely meet, is one of the moms who really cares about me. It must be Thea's big mouth and all her tsimis about me. But she gets jealous for me when Mark's being a "bad boy". She's excited about Sam (but I bet she wouldn't want to be called Lola). And she's the only mom ever who genuinely seemed to want our entire family to be a part of their family. Too bad Dagupan and Laguna is just too far away. But the funny thing is, though we've never had long talks I feel like we really know each other. I even usually catch myself during my "running away" daydreams thinking of going to their house and spilling out my guts to her. I couldn't do it though because I don't know how to get there and she'll probably tell me to go back home and face the music after letting me have a good cry. Thea must take after her mom.

So it really scared me when Thea texted me that Tita's bus was hit by a 10-wheeler and that she needed to be operated on the head. I was scared for her and her family. I know that November this year is a big thing for them and their business and to have to deal with the financial stress that medical bills will bring is just unbelievably hard. But there's very little I can do and even less I can send to help. So the least I can do is help them find help.

Please visit

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Life can be really tiring. I sometimes just get sick of going to Sam's doctors paying all those fees for a tiny ray of hope. You hope and pray that someday he'll be completely all right but he never might be. He'll be better but not completely. It sucks to be this young and to be tired of life. To go to therapists clinics and feel so alone as you hear your baby crying and wondering all the while why it doesn't make you feel sad anymore. I'm just desensitized or maybe I'm just not that caring. It sucks to go home knowing all your baby's homework and actually doing it just once in a while. Makes you wonder just what kind of person you are. I claim to be tired but I know I never do enough. I sleep too much, worry too much, but do too little. I get all stressed from work but the pay still never ever covers all the monthly expenses. I work and get tired and end up not giving enough time to Sam. Why the heck did I even stay at home when I don't get to devote as much time to him. His performance still hasn't improved and I blame myself for it. Right now I'm just so tired of looking at the bright side. I just want my baby to be fine. I just want to be able to let Mark buy Sam some stupid expensive sippy cup instead of having to pay for doctors fees, tests, and more tests. I just want to buy one freaking nice pair of shoes for myself. I want mark to have more than an allowance. I want our family to be together. I want to actually be able to share my life with Mark and not feel so alone during and after a storm as I try to get the smelly muddy water out of the house. I want so much more than this. I feel so old today.