Warning: Toxic post. Not for the underage or those feeling sad right now. Do not continue if you don't want to see an ugly side of me.
It is very dangerous when my hands get really cold and clammy. When my stomach starts churning and I feel like puking till there's nothing left inside. It's even worse when the cold start leaving and is replaced by dead calm. I know it isn't real calm but simply the eye of the storm. Very few people in this world has seen me in a cold rage because I don't permit it to be seen. But this is the part when it is starting. I need to tell someone to fuck off or get a drink or scream or do something stupid before the total calm arrives because then it turns me into a frigid rock. My hair will start to fall and I will smile while I rage because of the hurt.
Like I said it is rare that I hate people but when I do I get really passionate. I don't know if this is even hate. All I know is it is rage. Rage as a result of hurt. Whose fault it is doesn't matter. For the first time I want the world to know how much rage there is inside me. It is much better to let go of the rage instead of holding it in and hurting myself because I kept it in too much and now need to feel something...even if just physical pain. I refuse to hurt myself anymore. Let the world know I am mad. Let the world know I am not not nice. Let the world know the duplicity that lives in everyone lives in me. I don't not care. I do care. I do care to make sure I take care of myself this time. I am mad.
Disclaimer: To my readers do not take any of this personally. I intentionally erased a lot of portions that was originally going to be placed in this entry because I know that words are powerful and that it is harder to take back words said in the heat of the moment that actually uttering them. I will lash out at the world in general but never give specifics. I will accept words of encouragement or damnation but not reply to any questions.
I will try my best not to post stuff like this again. Drama from me is corny but acceptable. Anger is not too acceptable but let it work like a band aid till I can call the helpline on Monday. Wow. Blogging sure is therapeutic. I feel a lot better. I am no longer raging mad but feeling more disappointed. I just needed this off my chest.