Grief

I knew I wasn't doing justice to my Tito Bing in my last post. But I am sometimes like that. I couldn't feel what I am feeling and get numb. When I arrived at their house last Sunday I just took a really quick peek and then looked away because I got teary eyed. I somehow shut out the pain. I don't know why but it just didn't feel right for me to cry at that time. I wanted to remember our funny Tito Bing and didn't want to cry in front of my aunt. When I stayed overnight at my aunt's place last night and was left alone with Kuya Wen (my uncle's oldest son) in their sala I saw my cousin standing in front of my uncle's coffin as he started crying silently. My heart ached for him but it was a dull ache. I kept silent in my seat and waited for him to finish until he left. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, why I couldn't offer even a comforting hug. But I guess nothing was really wrong. I just felt that I couldn't and shouldn't offer empty sympathy until I felt the searing pain that he did. It's not that I don't feel anything about Tito Bing but everything was still so unclear and unreal. As I battled sleepiness and the heat this afternoon deciding which flowers to buy for my uncle it felt good to know that I was doing one last thing for him. No the flowers wouldn't do him any good but choosing a beautiful one that would help ease my aunt's pain even if just a bit would be something my uncle would appreciate because he loved my Tita Da so much. Still even if it made me feel more at peace I wondered why I couldn't cry, then I read Ate Pearl's entry on Tito Bing's demise. Now I understand. I couldn't cry because I was having a hard time remembering. I couldn't mourn when I can't remember. I couldn't mourn what was unclear. But the post cleared the cobwebs from my mind and now I cry. It is so sad to lose someone. So sad not to be able to hear akitakitakit anymore. So sad not to hear his tall tales. I knew I was going to miss him but I never knew I could miss him this much.