Thursday, January 05, 2006

New Year, New Dreams

So much and yet so little has been going on in my life that I've been all muddled up and couldn't post anything for some time now. I didn't feel like anything was worth posting. The things worth posting on the other hand were just way too personal. Besides i just couldn't collect my thoughts well enough to be coherent. Even this supposed to be short post is a struggle to write. My fingers have lost the words and my minds just racing too fast.

Anyway what i really wanted to post about was my dream wedding. We've had our wedding and it wasn't what I dreamt of, not even close. I was reading Faye's post and Herbie was right when he said that almost all girls waited all their lives for their perfect wedding day. I didn't have a definite dream wedding in my mind but I always wanted it to be in a beautiful place like a beach or a pretty green lawn with lots of orchids and with self-written vows dredged from the depths of my soul. Instead I got one in a squalid-looking courtroom (i'm not even sure it was a courtroom) with a woman judged who was very abrupt and i swear was hurrying so she can go back to watching Laban or Bawi. And all this time I convinced myself that it was ok because I am a very very practical person and besides I didn't want the hassle. What I didn't count on was my sister and her boyfriend insisting on getting married this December and Faye getting married and writing something that will strike a chord in me. You see dreams for me are a thing of the past. It kills me that all my dreams seems to have died and gone away. So I just try not to think about it on good days... and on bad days I just go crazy. But that wasn't what I was writing about. What I really wanted to write about is this new dream. After reading Faye's post I stopped and thought of my dream wedding and I do have a detailed one now. Well not a real wedding but a renewal of vows. I still want it to be in a garden under an open tent. My entourage wil be full of married friends and the flower girls just might be their kids too. Mark and I will finally be able to say our own vows. I'll look around and it'll be all worth it and life will be beautiful. But most importantly Sam will be there to walk me down the aisle or even just roll down in his wheelchair... That is my dream. And I do pray that this time life won't kill this dream.


Anonymous said...

Hi Han, I don't know what to say. For one thing, you write so beautifully. The other thing is I wish life won't kill your dreams.

I guess it's true that almost all girls waited all their lives for their perfect wedding day. I have dreams of a perfect church wedding, too.


Anonymous said...

Never give up your dreams!

Aissa said...

Han, I felt the same way about my first wedding (yes it was in a dilapidated courtroom too)...and I was blessed to have a second one that was both my own and John's dream. God-willing, when your turn comes to fulfill your dream, we will all be there to share in your joy.

fayeatot said...

weh. nahirapan daw ako magisip kung ano sasabihin ko. :)

im happy you've got yourself a new dream. don't stop dreaming, han. dreams give us hope. hope and faith gets us through life no matter how difficult or cruel life can be.

for my church wedding, i dream of having an all-adult entourage [flower girls like luz and ria!] and all-curvy brides maids. :)

i share your dream, too. you painted it in my mind so beautifully, i can vividly see sam walking down the aisle with you. :)

weh. dami ko gusto sabihin sayo. see you sa saturday. :)