Thursday, October 05, 2006

Pityfest

Life can be really tiring. I sometimes just get sick of going to Sam's doctors paying all those fees for a tiny ray of hope. You hope and pray that someday he'll be completely all right but he never might be. He'll be better but not completely. It sucks to be this young and to be tired of life. To go to therapists clinics and feel so alone as you hear your baby crying and wondering all the while why it doesn't make you feel sad anymore. I'm just desensitized or maybe I'm just not that caring. It sucks to go home knowing all your baby's homework and actually doing it just once in a while. Makes you wonder just what kind of person you are. I claim to be tired but I know I never do enough. I sleep too much, worry too much, but do too little. I get all stressed from work but the pay still never ever covers all the monthly expenses. I work and get tired and end up not giving enough time to Sam. Why the heck did I even stay at home when I don't get to devote as much time to him. His performance still hasn't improved and I blame myself for it. Right now I'm just so tired of looking at the bright side. I just want my baby to be fine. I just want to be able to let Mark buy Sam some stupid expensive sippy cup instead of having to pay for doctors fees, tests, and more tests. I just want to buy one freaking nice pair of shoes for myself. I want mark to have more than an allowance. I want our family to be together. I want to actually be able to share my life with Mark and not feel so alone during and after a storm as I try to get the smelly muddy water out of the house. I want so much...so much more than this. I feel so old today.

4 comments:

ian-lans said...

hey...

i really don't know what to say, but i thought i'd say "hey".

Anonymous said...

one day you'll just wake up and realize all the answers to WHY.. hang on and cling to the joys of life :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe, you're looking around too much, that's why you see all those negative things.. about Sam.. about Mark.. about yourself being not good.

Try looking up. Ü

Look up and utter a simple thanksgiving for every single day that you can spend with Sam. Look up and ask Him to guide Mark as he works somewhere. Look up and ask Him to let you be a better mother, a good wife and a full person. And when you've run out of things to thank Him for, look up still... and tell all your cares to Him. Rant if you must. He'll listen. Ü

Jenoa said...

Ian --- "Hey" is good. It makes me feel like i'm not the only lost one.

Anonymous - Been vacilating between "Thanks for reminding me to keep a positive attitude and remembering what's important." and "You have no clue what it's like to keep on trying to be positive and this is just one of my bad days". So anyway since I'm over that bad day...Thanks :-) It is a challenge but not insurmountable and you're right I am very blessed. The blessed can still cry when hurt though.