Solomon once said that there is nothing new under the sun. What was true then is true now. What is felt now was once felt by someone else. Moms before must have loved as much as i love my baby.
As I reach out for Sam in the dark and feel his soft pudgy fingers, inhale its rather weird chocolatey smell and stop to pat him and murmur sweet nothings while he squirms in his sleep, I remember the first time I felt him pressing on my arm and, unable to move yet, saw the crown of his head. And once again I feel awe. I am humbled. Then I remember the times he's been hurt. All the needles and the tubes intruding his peaceful world, the tube mommy has to push down his nose despite the block, the occasional blood, the ever present cries and desperate pleading look on his eyes. He doesn't understand why mommy has to do it, why mommy has to hurt him and THAT hurts more than the pain. It pierces my heart as it does his. And I am scared for my baby, for all the hurt he'll have to go through not just from the needles but the pitying stares of strangers and all the other pain we have to go through just because its part of life. And so I pause. I look at him and kiss him. The fear melts away, sweet contentment creeps in and silences the voices, it lends peace to my heart. For now what is is enough.
Again emotions spring anew as i think of all the mothers who went through what I am going through, felt what I did -- joy, fear, contentment, happiness, confusion, pain, peace, sorrow, hope and love. Love most of all. I feel proud, I am proud that I am a mom. Imperfect as I am, I am proud that I now belong to that special club where membership means that you have to learn to be unselfish, to give up much, to sometimes reinvent yourself and to keep on improving so as to learn to love better and give even more. And I also feel grateful. I am so thankful for the priviledge of knowing what it is to love someone beyond anything imaginable.
However painfully brief or drearily long a child stays in one's life it still lends more color to one's life. One smile, one look, a single waft of your baby's scent and all the tears and struggles just go away. As the song goes... and i think to myself what a wonderful world.