Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts

Thursday, December 22, 2011

On Taking Control of Our Future

For far too long I have been a victim of myself and my choices. Being powerless to change past circumstances and mistakes, I mistakenly let feelings of hopelessness take over me. Thankfully, recent painful events have jolted me out of my cycle. As my therapist said, it is only when the pain of the now outweighs the pain and fear of change that most people ever change at all. No matter how much pain I had and have to go through, I'm truly thankful for it because I know that it has helped me move forward in life.

One of the best advice about the past I've read is from Mort Fertel. Here's a snippet of what he said about how to get over your past (and past your hurt). If you're also hurting right now, I hope this somehow helps you see past your hurt too.

"...you don’t have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.

Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, “Why is this happening to me?” But then a few years later you looked back and you could answer that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it all made sense.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!

It’s the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, it’s your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past."
Here's to the future, second chances, and the power to rewrite the meaning of our past!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Looking Back for Hope

I find myself looking back to a moment that gave me hope during the darkest nights of my life. Little did I know that worse things were coming, that my faith in me, in the world, and all I believe in and hold dear would get shaken to core in ways I never dreamed of.

Yet 6 years later, changed in ways I could never have imagine, both songs still resonate in my heart. One brings tears to my eyes, making me wonder if the changes in me have come too late. The answer eludes me, but what I know is the water hasn't run dry in me. It still has not.

The other song continues to inspire, making me realize that in this moment of brokenness this for me really is a chance to return to innocence, a chance to return to myself.

"If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence"





Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Take On James Soriano's Controversial Article

I just read James Soriano's controversial article (finally!), and I have to hand it to him for being honest. That doesn't mean though that his words "it is not the language of the learned" sits well with me.

While it is true that English is the language used in our schools and board rooms (I was asleep while being operated on so I have no idea what language they used in the operating room :p), his conclusion that "it is not the language of the learned" is simply false, even downright stupid. It also irks me that he considers the English language to be a "tongue of privilege", and to which he even partially attributes his success in life, thinking that as long as he has mastery of the language he will always have his "connections".

Forgive me if I get a bit prickly, but the snob in me is aroused every time I encounter people (or at least the writings of people in this case) who deem themselves well educated when what they are doing/saying/writing is proving them otherwise. I'm not saying James Soriano is a total idiot, nor that he didn't get an education. What I am saying is that he hasn't educated himself enough in this particular issue to arrive at the proper conclusions, and more importantly to school himself to conquering his biases towards the Filipino language and his fellow countrymen.

I say he arrived at the wrong conclusions because what he might not realize is that some of the best minds in the country do use Filipino as their medium for creating art. The use of the Filipino language is not relegated to art alone either, with professionals using the language to converse everyday not just to communicate with the "uneducated yayas and drivers" but simply because it is their language of choice. Masarap pong mag Filipino. I can think of more examples, but what's the point?

Another thing that I think needs pointing out is the fact that the lack of mastery of the Filipino language actually indicates a lack of learning on our part. Yes, myself included. It angers me that we Filipinos put a premium in learning other languages (not just the English language), but do not applaud those who have mastered our very own language nor count it as a sign of an educated man. That is truly crazy because language is just a tool we can use to be able to understand concepts and ideas, communicate with more people clearly, and ultimately to broaden our perspectives and get a real education. Hence, the more languages we learn, the more chances we have of learning new things. There is no one language of the learned. What Mr Soriano said is plain and simple hogwash. To believe that there is one such language, is to have a shallow understanding of what education is really about.

On another note, what truly frustrates me is that Mr. Soriano is not alone in his dismissal of the Filipino language as being irrelevant in this day and age. Parents and teachers alike are still sending wrong signals to kids these days with their English-only rules. I know that in most cases that is not the intention at all, but what else will kids conclude if they are being banned from speaking Filipino? Like James Soriano, kids are apt to think that it is because English is more desirable than Filipino, and God forbid, that the Filipino language is only for their yayas. Without even realizing it, kids are being taught to treat their yayas differently and to be condescending towards others. Ask yourself, is the early mastery of the English language worth teaching kids wrong attitudes towards our own language and their fellow human beings? Or maybe there is another way of helping them get ahead in this world without having to sacrifice their respect for the Filipino language, while teaching them to truly connect to other Filipinos on a human level. I say, just let them learn what language they will. After all kids are like sponges and will likely learn both the English and Filipino language (even more) if you just let them. Teach them to appreciate both, and even more importantly, pass on to them a real love for learning. Not just the learning you will get from reading textbooks to get a high salary, but the kind of learning that would make them aspire to never stop growing.

In the end, I think this issue is even more pressing than whether Filipino is for the learned or not, and whether Mr Soriano is offensive or not. You can even say that he is to be thanked for his candidness because it inspired (hopefully) productive thought and discussion in our country (or at least in Facebook). The question is not whether he and Manila Bulletin (their taking down his post was a stupid move) learned something from the big hoopla, but if we learned something from his biases and shallow thinking.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Late Night/Early Morning Musings on Life Lessons

I couldn't sleep.

This time though, what kept me awake was not my own problems but that of two people I dearly love. I've been trying to wrap my head around the two very different situations they're in, but I just can't. I want to be supportive. Do the right thing. Help. Be accepting. Point out their mistakes. Shake them. Make sure they get the lesson they're supposed to learn. Fix things.

In the end, all my thoughts and emotions just left me confused, tired, and in a state of grief. So I turned back to the one thing that has never failed - prayer.

And that's when I got it. There may be lessons stored for them, but right now what I should bother with are the lessons in store for me, the first being not to resort to prayer last! Why in the world should I keep on figuring out ways to help them fix their lives when I myself keep on forgetting the simple formula? Yes, I should learn to be accepting, loving, a real peace maker, and an honest person who can support but rebuke in love. But most of all, I should learn first and always "cast my burdens upon Him". To grow close to Christ and reflect the love He has graciously given me. Then and only then will I have the peace of knowing that He will never let go of me and these two people I hold so dearly in my heart. I may not be able to fix things, but I can rest in the knowledge that just as God never failed me so will he continue to love and seek the rest of His bullheaded children.

So the key to peace is something my mom has been telling me for ages. It's something I've known for so long and just keep on putting off the way I keep on trying to ignore my sinus attacks when I fully know how a few minutes of using a steam vaporiser can do wonders. Faith and trust is still the key to peace.

As for the other lesson I learned today... If I don't want to end up being like the judgemental and self-righteous people I truly dislike, then I should always look at things in the right perspective. Instead of thinking about what, how, and why people got into the situations they're in as well as the supposed life lessons for them, I should wonder about the lessons I can learn from them. Every single thing that happens in life is after all an opportunity for me to learn something. It's not about being self-absorbed, but learning to have the humility that there truly is so much I need to learn and re-learn.

And with that, I think I might yet squeeze in another couple hours worth of sleep. Back to bed for me.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

I am an Inspirer (ENFP)

Took this personality test and the score is so right. Here's the profile of an ENFP (Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving).

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


Some interesting facts about ENFPs (Emphasis added by me kasi I find that they are very descriptive of me. Italicized comments mine.):

  1. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything.
  2. ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values.- Oh the agony of this realization right when I'm trying to find my place in the career world!
  3. An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals...Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.- Shudder! Oh the failure that is me. I need to learn to beat this weakness. I absolutely HATE it.
  4. Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships...They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.
  5. Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery...This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members. - No wonder I suck at being a stay-home anything and Mark gets so sick of me all the time. Hehe.
  6. An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. - Horns starting to grow....
  7. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is.
  8. ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.- Mein Gott. Talk about mismatched. Thankfully the hubby's personality type sticks through thick and thin.
  9. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas.
  10. Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. - This is so interesting to learn kasi I suffer from muscle pain behind the shoulder blades so much. My muscles just knot up for no apparent reason. I also have been feeling concerned about the fact that I always find my jaw hurting because I clench them most of the time without realizing it!
Guys take the test and tell me your personality type. Am interested in knowing more about you!!!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Unlearning

Learning is about more than simply acquiring new knowledge and insights; it is also crucial to unlearn old knowledge that has outlived its relevance. Thus, forgetting is probably at least as important as learning. - Gary Ryan Blair

While looking for quotes on relevance (to add to my SEO post...still haven't found any relevant relevance quote :p) I stumbled on this really wise quote. Whoever this Gary Ryan Blair is pretty wise. Anyway it started me thinking about stuff I need to unlearn.

1. Typing habits.
2. Whacked out body clock.
3. Automatic response to any criticism help from my mom and Mark.

Am sure there's a whole lot more but the point is he's right I do need to unlearn stuff to learn new things. What's the stuff you need to unlearn?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Offline and Happier

I rarely go online now and am really happy about it. I guess it is just right considering I was a technophobe way back in high school. It was only really because of my sister and Mark that I ended up liking computers. I still do enjoy the convenience the internet bring and still sometimes play silly games like DinerDash and Bookworm Adventure but now I spend more time doing things I originally liked and have found that I still really like a lot - snuggling with Sam, meeting friends, educating people about something I believe in, figuring out ways to give clients the best possible solution, listening to music, sleeping on the MRT, and eating out with Mark even if sa jollyjeep lang.

Sorry blog. I love you but I don't expect to be paying that much attention to you again in the near future. I am learning to explore life outside the net again and am finding that it is indeed more fulfilling.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Post-argument blog post: Chopped up thoughts on marriage

Mark and I got into a heated discussion tonight about corruption, change of heart, and actions. It is an important issue but one that I think shouldn't be important enough in one's life to end up unintentionally hurting your partner's feelings. As a matter of fact I don't think there's anything important enough in this life that should make you raise your voice at someone you love. Not that I'm saying that there are things that are not important enough to be angry over but that even in anger we should learn not to hurt each other.

My problem with becoming upset is that after a few days I almost always can't even remember what I was upset about but I sure remember the feeling. I need to learn to flush out the negativity in me quick....I should learn to remember the facts better and forget the feelings a bit. Someone needs to understand that I don't remember facts that much but that the way I feel/felt is a fact.

Nobody's perfect. We each have room for improvement. Nobody's too imperfect that they can not find it in themselves to change.

Marriage is a big part of this dance of life and even with two left feet I'm resolved to learn the moves and someday be able to dance without stepping on my husband's toes or having him step on mine (super bigat pa naman...ang sakit!).

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Learning from Sacha

This is all about a blog I love to read and I think is worth sharing. If you don't know Sacha Chua (and I admit I don't know much about her beyond the fact that she went to the same high school I did, she's a genius, she's cute, and speaks in this cute little voice) I think you really should get to know her through her blog. It's funny how I still think of her as this high school kid in uniform so that I feel like she has wisdom beyond her years. I guess she does have wisdom beyond her years though since people a lot older than her (like moi...) will learn a lot or at least be reminded of what they've learned before by reading her thoughts. The blog is full of the kind of practical idealism that I've been wanting to imbibe. Been wanting to write something really deep but heck I'll just link to the latest fave posts from her.
An all exclusive Sacha Chua painting (got to love her sketches!)

Relentless improvement and a focus on the positive - Will the 3/3/1 help make our marriage work better? Hmmm... Should talk this over with Mark to find out. For bosses (paging Kuya Ariel!) this is something you should check out, might work for your team. ^_^
The only way to fight the darkness is to blaze even brighter with light - This says it all.
It’s not just for you - it helps other people remember the steps, too! - Maybe I wouldn't think I suck so bad at dancing if I had a such a great dance teacher. Oh wait...I never did take dance lessons!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Pursuit of Happyness...Getting There

Me is the getting happy. ^_^

I saw the ending of Pursuit of Happyness in HBO again the other night. Reflecting on our life the past several years I realise that these days I've been getting a bit closer and closer to this thing we all pursue - happiness. I recall the times when my family was really down. The time I had to sell yema and peanuts to my classmates in college just so I can have jeepney fare to get home. I recall the times when I hid from my friends because I didn't want to go out knowing that I can't eat out with them (ililibre ako for sure and ayaw ko nahihiya na ako). I remember the times when Mark and I had to go to PCSO to ask for money because we couldn't get out of the hospital. I recall the times when we went to Robinsons and we couldn't buy even one single candy because all we had was money for Sam's milk formula and diapers. I remember the times I felt there was no hope and everything was bleak. I remember feeling alone thinking I our marriage wouldn't last. I remember all the times I hurt myself because the hurt inside was just too much. I remember it all now but with more peace than I have had in a long time.

Yes. Things are getting better but more important than that I am getting better. If you feel hopeless all the time and can't seem to get past the bleakness of life maybe you need help like I did, like I still do. Getting help for depression doesn't mean being weak. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means that finally you're stepping up to the plate to battle the thing inside you that is keeping you from being your best. It means finding ways to make it a little easier to battle the outside circumstances you can't control. It means not letting a stupid hormonal imbalance dictate your life and telling yourself that you and those around you will not be a victim of this terrible thing anymore.

Yes. I had/have depression. Yes. I went to a doctor. Yes. I am taking meds. I am not ashamed of it anymore because it no longer has a stranglehold on me.

If this speaks to you I hope you get help too. The pursuit of happiness need not be impossible. I never realised before that I can ever feel this way again...

Friday, April 18, 2008

Know Thy Self

Saw my sister's personality result from her blog...so I took it too. So far I'm happy with the results. I feel myself coming back. There was a time I felt so lost when several aspects of my personality had flipped. Now, as the test reflects, I'm starting to be myself again....at least the self that I liked.

Click to view my Personality Profile page

Oh...and if you compare my personality to my sister's we are the exact opposite of each other. LOL. ^_^ It does explain though why I rely on her so much whenever I fall apart. Not that I cling to her but that deep within me I know she's there to pick up the pieces when I can't hold it together. Poor , poor, sister. She's a protector pala! Lucky you if she loves you but if not then...wala lang.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Lesson Learned from Kung Fu Kids

While typing a post about technology and the environment I heard someone in Kung Fu Kids (Gemmalyn and Sam, who are a few feet away from me are watching the show.) say,
"Ang alam ko lang ang taong bagong in-love tawa ng tawa at laging kinikilig. Ang taong matagal ng in-love away ng away pero lagi pa rin magkasama. Siguro kasi mahal talga nila ang isa't isa."
Hehe.

When you were a kid what did you "know" about being in love and did experience prove you right?

Thursday, March 06, 2008

2 Minutes

I prayed. It was just a couple of minutes but still it made me believe again even if just a little bit.

God give me faith.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Help Has Arrived

These past couple of weeks have been really good for me. I never realized that things could turn around so fast for me. I know that in reality things have already been in the upswing for sometime but something in me was unable to fully appreciate the blessings in my life. It's so hard to explain and impossible for those who haven't gone through what I have to really grasp what I am saying but still I just want to share the fact that life really does not have to look impossibly bleak. There's always battles to be fought but it doesn't have to all be an uphill climb.

I guess all I really want to say (without going into details) is - GET HELP. It really does make a difference.

For me help has arrived and after two weeks of being a spoiled and pampered momma it's time to help myself again.

Thanks Mark. I will be strong again...someday. :p

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Upset...My Fault

I really need to get my act together. There's so much to do and so little time and I keep squandering it away on senseless sleep. I have been sleeping way too much again and considering I've been juggling 2 "freelance" jobs plus Sam it's been inevitable that I keep on dropping the ball. I hate depression. It's so crippling. It's like trying to screw your head on right and finding that the screw's threading is all loose. Or like folding a silk blouse that comes undone each time you lift it up to pack it away.

I'm feeling all gloomy for the moment but I know I can kick this. I even know how but the weird thing is I keep on forgetting how. I need energy. I need a push. I need to pluck up some courage and face this stupid monster.

I'm sick of myself for today. I'm glad I am though because this usually means I'm getting ready to clean up my act.

And no...I don't need your advice nor your sympathy. I need to process this and make it right. I'm just thinking out loud. Give me a few hours and I'll be back with a more cheerful, positive outlook.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Monsters Be Dead

These days I have been alternating between trying to ignore the facts of life and stopping too much to re-evaluate the things going on around me. Today I have decided that at the risk of over analyzing things, I'd rather take a step back to re-evaluate my life. There's too much at stake now to just let life happen. I need to take an active role in making sure that my life is headed towards something that really does matter.

An oil painting of the Loch Ness MonsterThough taking one blow after another is often mistaken as resilience I have come to realize that many times it also is a form of cowardice. Instead of stopping to face the real monster behind all the troubles that keeps bopping us on the head like snowballs we hunch our shoulders and steadfastly plod on trying to get to our goals. Now I have no problem about being steadfast and resilient. It is a good trait. But when was the last time you took a look around, faced the monster, and went for it? If I were to be honest I would say I couldn't even remember when I did that. Oh I do take a look around, pin point several monsters and squish the little irritating ones when they are within my reach. But when I see big ones I do what many people do - I shrug and say something to the effect that this is life..blah blah blah. I just have to make do with what I have...blah blah blah. It is just more convenient and less scary to face the real monsters. After all what if the monster ends up being stronger than we are? What good will it do facing something that seems unbeatable?

Here's what you'll find when you do face monsters:
  1. You will find that most monster are smaller and easier to squish once you actually go out of your way to fight them. Problem(s) solved.
  2. You will find that the hard road called life will be a little easier to travel with monsters out of the way.
  3. You will find that though there are really big monsters that will leave you bruised and bloodied in the end you will still heal and know that you are stronger in the end.
  4. By removing the big monster you will have done not only yourself, but also those whose lives are touched by that monster, a big favor.
  5. You will find that when you meet a monster you cannot possibly win a fight against, if you just continue the fight and raise your voice for help, there will be people to help you win the battle.
  6. You will find that what you thought was time wasted on stopping to fight your monsters is actually much much less than the time you will have spent crying in the end because of all the headaches too much snowballs have lent you. It might even save your life!
  7. You will find that fighting those battles is part of what life is all about.

So this is what it comes to. I have been taking a good hard look at my life. I am not yet done taking a good hard look at it. It is a difficult thing to do. Facing the truth. It's so hard it brings out all the monsters from wherever they are hiding. This time I know I can't fight them all at the same time. And this time I have been raising my voice for help while squishing the smaller ones as I go deeper into monster land. Hopefully, when I come out I'll be bloodied but the path will be clearer for me and for those who walk life with me...my husband and my son. I cannot tackle their personal monsters but at least I can tackle mine and prevent those from affecting their lives.

How about you? Will you try to be brave enough the monsters in your life? If you can't call me. Email me. I'm willing to be scared with you until you feel brave enough to take a small peek and squish the smallest one you can.

To all those who have helped me fight, are helping me fight, or just was plained scared with me each time I needed to face a monster. Thank you. There are still lots of monsters on their way I feel a little safer because I know I can depend on you. You know who you are.

*****
I was thinking of placing a kick ass monster image here but I need to ask permission from Ruben de Vela. To the few who doesn't know Ruben he is a friend and one of the greatest artists out there. Do visit his page! I will be emailing him to ask for permission to post some of his works here. In the meantime make do with the monsters I found at Wikimedia Commons. ^_^

Image details:
Title: Loch Ness Monster (oilpainting)
Artist: Hugo Josef Heikenwaelder, Austria