Attention LB Peeps

Am blogging at 10493 (Connections) right now. Am feeling REALLY nostalgic and felt the urge to go online here (besides the fact that only very few of the net shops here in LB open this early. The last time I went online here was when I was a freshman or sophomore in college. That was looong ago. The connections much faster and their PCs are also faster but things are a bit eeky with everything discolored and a bit sticky. Nevertheless just being here makes me feel a bit weepy and happy and sad all at the same time. Much has changed and also remained the same. I miss being young and just a bit less complicated... But then again things aren't really that complicated now it's just a matter of how we take things. I miss the college LB days. I miss all of you that made LB even more special (or at least tolerable during the extended years...hehe) for me.

LB GIMMICK!!!

Pursuit of Happyness...Getting There

Me is the getting happy. ^_^

I saw the ending of Pursuit of Happyness in HBO again the other night. Reflecting on our life the past several years I realise that these days I've been getting a bit closer and closer to this thing we all pursue - happiness. I recall the times when my family was really down. The time I had to sell yema and peanuts to my classmates in college just so I can have jeepney fare to get home. I recall the times when I hid from my friends because I didn't want to go out knowing that I can't eat out with them (ililibre ako for sure and ayaw ko nahihiya na ako). I remember the times when Mark and I had to go to PCSO to ask for money because we couldn't get out of the hospital. I recall the times when we went to Robinsons and we couldn't buy even one single candy because all we had was money for Sam's milk formula and diapers. I remember the times I felt there was no hope and everything was bleak. I remember feeling alone thinking I our marriage wouldn't last. I remember all the times I hurt myself because the hurt inside was just too much. I remember it all now but with more peace than I have had in a long time.

Yes. Things are getting better but more important than that I am getting better. If you feel hopeless all the time and can't seem to get past the bleakness of life maybe you need help like I did, like I still do. Getting help for depression doesn't mean being weak. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means that finally you're stepping up to the plate to battle the thing inside you that is keeping you from being your best. It means finding ways to make it a little easier to battle the outside circumstances you can't control. It means not letting a stupid hormonal imbalance dictate your life and telling yourself that you and those around you will not be a victim of this terrible thing anymore.

Yes. I had/have depression. Yes. I went to a doctor. Yes. I am taking meds. I am not ashamed of it anymore because it no longer has a stranglehold on me.

If this speaks to you I hope you get help too. The pursuit of happiness need not be impossible. I never realised before that I can ever feel this way again...

Upset...My Fault

I really need to get my act together. There's so much to do and so little time and I keep squandering it away on senseless sleep. I have been sleeping way too much again and considering I've been juggling 2 "freelance" jobs plus Sam it's been inevitable that I keep on dropping the ball. I hate depression. It's so crippling. It's like trying to screw your head on right and finding that the screw's threading is all loose. Or like folding a silk blouse that comes undone each time you lift it up to pack it away.

I'm feeling all gloomy for the moment but I know I can kick this. I even know how but the weird thing is I keep on forgetting how. I need energy. I need a push. I need to pluck up some courage and face this stupid monster.

I'm sick of myself for today. I'm glad I am though because this usually means I'm getting ready to clean up my act.

And no...I don't need your advice nor your sympathy. I need to process this and make it right. I'm just thinking out loud. Give me a few hours and I'll be back with a more cheerful, positive outlook.

Monsters Be Dead

These days I have been alternating between trying to ignore the facts of life and stopping too much to re-evaluate the things going on around me. Today I have decided that at the risk of over analyzing things, I'd rather take a step back to re-evaluate my life. There's too much at stake now to just let life happen. I need to take an active role in making sure that my life is headed towards something that really does matter.

Though taking one blow after another is often mistaken as resilience I have come to realize that many times it also is a form of cowardice. Instead of stopping to face the real monster behind all the troubles that keeps bopping us on the head like snowballs we hunch our shoulders and steadfastly plod on trying to get to our goals. Now I have no problem about being steadfast and resilient. It is a good trait. But when was the last time you took a look around, faced the monster, and went for it? If I were to be honest I would say I couldn't even remember when I did that. Oh I do take a look around, pin point several monsters and squish the little irritating ones when they are within my reach. But when I see big ones I do what many people do - I shrug and say something to the effect that this is life..blah blah blah. I just have to make do with what I have...blah blah blah. It is just more convenient and less scary to face the real monsters. After all what if the monster ends up being stronger than we are? What good will it do facing something that seems unbeatable?

Here's what you'll find when you do face monsters:

1. You will find that most monster are smaller and easier to squish once you actually go out of your way to fight them. Problem(s) solved.
2. You will find that the hard road called life will be a little easier to travel with monsters out of the way.
3. You will find that though there are really big monsters that will leave you bruised and bloodied in the end you will still heal and know that you are stronger in the end.
4. By removing the big monster you will have done not only yourself, but also those whose lives are touched by that monster, a big favor.
5. You will find that when you meet a monster you cannot possibly win a fight against, if you just continue the fight and raise your voice for help, there will be people to help you win the battle.
6. You will find that what you thought was time wasted on stopping to fight your monsters is actually much much less than the time you will have spent crying in the end because of all the headaches too much snowballs have lent you. It might even save your life!
7. You will find that fighting those battles is part of what life is all about.

So this is what it comes to. I have been taking a good hard look at my life. I am not yet done taking a good hard look at it. It is a difficult thing to do. Facing the truth. It's so hard it brings out all the monsters from wherever they are hiding. This time I know I can't fight them all at the same time. And this time I have been raising my voice for help while squishing the smaller ones as I go deeper into monster land. Hopefully, when I come out I'll be bloodied but the path will be clearer for me and for those who walk life with me...my husband and my son. I cannot tackle their personal monsters but at least I can tackle mine and prevent those from affecting their lives.

How about you? Will you try to be brave enough the monsters in your life? If you can't call me. Email me. I'm willing to be scared with you until you feel brave enough to take a small peek and squish the smallest one you can.

To all those who have helped me fight, are helping me fight, or just was plained scared with me each time I needed to face a monster. Thank you. There are still lots of monsters on their way I feel a little safer because I know I can depend on you. You know who you are.

*****
I was thinking of placing a kick ass monster image here but I need to ask permission from Ruben de Vela. To the few who doesn't know Ruben he is a friend and one of the greatest artists out there. Do visit his page! I will be emailing him to ask for permission to post some of his works here. In the meantime make do with the monsters I found at Wikimedia Commons. ^_^

Image details:
Title: Loch Ness Monster (oilpainting)
Artist: Hugo Josef Heikenwaelder, Austria

Silas Anecdote

After reading Kei's post on House Blues I plunged deeper in to depression. I just miss Silas so much. To help make me feel better I am blogging about this conversation with Silas back when he was still my little boy. He's still our boy but he's the Kuya now. I love that kid....

Me (showing off to the only person who would believe I can do magic): Kaya mo to?
(theatrically gagging while I "swallow" Silas' toy sword)
Silas (looking at me in awe...then concern): Ate Han, tama na.
Me (after removing the sword...touched by his concern): Bakit?
Silas: Eh kasi baka matusok si Jesus.

To those who didn't get it, in church we teach the kids that all you need to do to get to heaven is to be sorry for your sins, believe in Jesus, accept Him and He will live in your heart. The oversimplification of the matter has time and again mislead kids to believe that Jesus is physically staying in their hearts. Ayayay... It was a mistake to post this. I feel worse now.

I miss Silas.
I miss my God.
I miss me.
I wish Sam will learn to talk so he can start saying funny things...

Hay...time to drown my worries in Xenocide. Thanks Earl!

Cold Hands...Goodbye

Warning: Toxic post. Not for the underage or those feeling sad right now. Do not continue if you don't want to see an ugly side of me.

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It is very dangerous when my hands get really cold and clammy. When my stomach starts churning and I feel like puking till there's nothing left inside. It's even worse when the cold start leaving and is replaced by dead calm. I know it isn't real calm but simply the eye of the storm. Very few people in this world has seen me in a cold rage because I don't permit it to be seen. But this is the part when it is starting. I need to tell someone to fuck off or get a drink or scream or do something stupid before the total calm arrives because then it turns me into a frigid rock. My hair will start to fall and I will smile while I rage because of the hurt.

Like I said it is rare that I hate people but when I do I get really passionate. I don't know if this is even hate. All I know is it is rage. Rage as a result of hurt. Whose fault it is doesn't matter. For the first time I want the world to know how much rage there is inside me. It is much better to let go of the rage instead of holding it in and hurting myself because I kept it in too much and now need to feel something...even if just physical pain. I refuse to hurt myself anymore. Let the world know I am mad. Let the world know I am not not nice. Let the world know the duplicity that lives in everyone lives in me. I don't not care. I do care. I do care to make sure I take care of myself this time. I am mad.

Disclaimer: To my readers do not take any of this personally. I intentionally erased a lot of portions that was originally going to be placed in this entry because I know that words are powerful and that it is harder to take back words said in the heat of the moment that actually uttering them. I will lash out at the world in general but never give specifics. I will accept words of encouragement or damnation but not reply to any questions.

I will try my best not to post stuff like this again. Drama from me is corny but acceptable. Anger is not too acceptable but let it work like a band aid till I can call the helpline on Monday. Wow. Blogging sure is therapeutic. I feel a lot better. I am no longer raging mad but feeling more disappointed. I just needed this off my chest.

Pouring my Heart Out

I feel lost. I know I'm not lost but I feel like I am. Or maybe its just that I know that I've lost some thing(s) and I'm at a loss trying to figure out how to get them back. Lost and tired are the perfect words to describe me right now. I am lost and tired. I just want to give up, not on life (that's way too much melodrama) but on that mysteriously lost thing(s). Maybe giving up is the right thing to do because there are certain things that no matter how much you will it, it just isn't up to you.

I need someone to talk to but right now I don't think that a friend will do. I am tired even of my friends. Sorry my dear friends I do love you so and I know how much more you all love me more (isn't that just egotistic? ^_^) but there are things you just don't pour out even to friends. Sometimes a well meaning and compassionate stranger is much better (no I'm not talking about a one night stand!). I wanted to call a counselor but the free ones are available weekdays only. That sounds so lame. It is really lame to find yourself reduced to reaching out to some unknown counselor and to whispering your problems on the phone anonymously. At the same time I am not stupid. I do recognize that if it was another person who did that I would tell that person that it is the right choice to ask for help. What makes me so special that what would be good for others would be lame for me? Nothing. I have come to realize that there is nothing that makes me special in that way.

This is not one of my pityfests though it may come across as that. Contrary to that it is a sign that tired as I am, I'm not too tired to take another step to help myself. I want to give up on something(s) but I am not giving up on myself. In fact I may not be more special than other people who are as lame as I am but I am special enough for me to do everything to make sure I don't get depressed again. Come Monday I will be calling the helpline. If I don't get any good advice I would at least be able to pour out my thoughts and feelings without hurting anyones feelings and without dragging anyone else into the situation.