Thea and Tita Tet

Thea is a girl I've known since high school. We've learned much from each other both good and bad. I've been blessed with great friends. Never have they abandoned me we I needed them. They might not have been there always but it was just circumstance and never abandonement. Most of the time it was actually me hiding from them, especially Thea. I hid from Thea during the times Aileen Paralag and I were getting chummy and I started learning vices I knew I shouldn't. I hid from her when my family was in deep financial trouble because I didn't want anyone to know. And I hid from her when Mark and I started engaging in pre-marital sex, which I knew was just totally wrong. I always hid from her when I was in trouble because I knew that she was one of the rare people that would actually tell me to my face stuff I didn't want to hear. She IS one of the rare people who can love me yet look at me and still tell me she disapproves. She's one of the rare people who accepts me but wouldn't really settle for me being less than what I can be and should strive to be. And she is one of the two people (Ian my childhood friend is the other one) who dared deliver groceries to our house anonymously knowing what it would to do to my pride but knowing then that we almost had nothing to eat and didn't have money to buy toothpaste or anything else at all. She made me cry then but she helped feed us for the next week. She always knew how to make me face things I didn't want to face but was neccessary for my survival. And now she's the one in trouble.

Tita Tet, though we rarely meet, is one of the moms who really cares about me. It must be Thea's big mouth and all her tsimis about me. But she gets jealous for me when Mark's being a "bad boy". She's excited about Sam (but I bet she wouldn't want to be called Lola). And she's the only mom ever who genuinely seemed to want our entire family to be a part of their family. Too bad Dagupan and Laguna is just too far away. But the funny thing is, though we've never had long talks I feel like we really know each other. I even usually catch myself during my "running away" daydreams thinking of going to their house and spilling out my guts to her. I couldn't do it though because I don't know how to get there and she'll probably tell me to go back home and face the music after letting me have a good cry. Thea must take after her mom.

So it really scared me when Thea texted me that Tita's bus was hit by a 10-wheeler and that she needed to be operated on the head. I was scared for her and her family. I know that November this year is a big thing for them and their business and to have to deal with the financial stress that medical bills will bring is just unbelievably hard. But there's very little I can do and even less I can send to help. So the least I can do is help them find help.

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Pityfest

Life can be really tiring. I sometimes just get sick of going to Sam's doctors paying all those fees for a tiny ray of hope. You hope and pray that someday he'll be completely all right but he never might be. He'll be better but not completely. It sucks to be this young and to be tired of life. To go to therapists clinics and feel so alone as you hear your baby crying and wondering all the while why it doesn't make you feel sad anymore. I'm just desensitized or maybe I'm just not that caring. It sucks to go home knowing all your baby's homework and actually doing it just once in a while. Makes you wonder just what kind of person you are. I claim to be tired but I know I never do enough. I sleep too much, worry too much, but do too little. I get all stressed from work but the pay still never ever covers all the monthly expenses. I work and get tired and end up not giving enough time to Sam. Why the heck did I even stay at home when I don't get to devote as much time to him. His performance still hasn't improved and I blame myself for it. Right now I'm just so tired of looking at the bright side. I just want my baby to be fine. I just want to be able to let Mark buy Sam some stupid expensive sippy cup instead of having to pay for doctors fees, tests, and more tests. I just want to buy one freaking nice pair of shoes for myself. I want mark to have more than an allowance. I want our family to be together. I want to actually be able to share my life with Mark and not feel so alone during and after a storm as I try to get the smelly muddy water out of the house. I want so much...so much more than this. I feel so old today.

Couldn't Sleep

Just am not feeling sleepy. Have no articles to rush. Read most of my mail. Checked friendster. Gave Sam his milk and lulled him to sleep. Texted Mark. Read some. But I still couldn't sleep.

Better do some catch up blogging. Just snippets cause I don't really feel like writing.

- Nikki's supposed to visit tomorrow. Hope he makes it.
- Sam's taking Motillium. I think the syringe that came with it is really cool.
- Mark and Angel are finally done (I think) with their MACZEDAM project. Yay! Mark can now have 2-day weekends.
- Am posting for Scigg.com. Yes the idea's a rip off from digg but give it a chance. At least look it up and vote for one of my posts. It's a job-related thing I at least really enjoy doing. :p
- Am also maintaining two blogs. One about blackjack and the other about betting systems and tools. I don't think I can post the URL though cause technically I don't exist. Although writing for those blogs is pretty easy it bugs me that no one reads the blogs. The blog is after all just a section of the site and most probably exists just to provide regular fresh content to the site as part of SEO. Ugh. If not for the money it'll depress me that my efforts in writing gets so wasted.
- I need a Paypal account to get more projects. Not a real priority though.
- Plan on doing a fundraiser middle of next year. Anyone care to help me brainstorm?
- Mark and I wanted to buy an IXUS i-Zoom we saw in a catalogue. It's just around 19K and can be paid installment for zero interest. Comes with a free Selphy 700 too. Too bad we don't have a BPI credit card.
- Again I need a camera so I can take Sam's picture whenever he looks amazingly cute, which is about every other hour.
- I'm finally getting sleepy. Rambling works.
- Should clean Sam's bottles before I go to sleep but will probably end up asking my mom to do it.
- I should stop being so lazy and be a better mom.
- Sam couldn't sleep well for long periods if he can't touch my face or at least sense that I'm beside him.
- Life can be so sweet.
- A good thought is a nice closing. Will help me sleep peacefully.
- Night world.

Happy Birthday

Thea, Gio, and Jerry.

Love you three! ^_^

In Love (not for the anti-mush)

Most days you just plod through life going through the motions. Most days I feel happy and content but I don't feel deep-seated joy. Most days I care for my husband and know that I love him but I don't feel the gut-wrenching feeling of being in love. Today is not like most days. Since yesterday until today I've been sooo in love with Mark. I've been missing him and thinking about him, feeling like I used to when "mag-crushan" pa lang kami. I keep on remember our little flirtations, the concentrated attention, the pa-simple moves, the double talks, tampuhan, lambingan, the long talks, and our friendship. I keep on remembering how Thea hated us for feeling OP and how I always felt like dressing up just to see the sparkle in his eye. To be honest I think I fell in love with Mark first. We were both attracted to each other but I loved him first. I loved him first but he loved me better. I loved him and still loves him with such a whirlwind of emotions but he loved me and still loves me calmly and perseveringly. I stayed for him when he was down and needed me but I couldn't help him grow and be better. He keeps on being insensitive and sometimes doesn't understand what I need but in the end he manages to help me change and grow to a better person. Sometimes I don't think I'm what he needs and it hurts me like hell but I figure out it's ok because I'm still what he wants. And then there are days when it's quite obvious that he needs me and I sit there quiet beside him savoring the moment. As for me I'm still crazy about Mark. Ask any of my friends. They don't understand and I don't either. He's always been what I wanted and needed.

Words are so inadequate.

I love you Mark.
I love you Pa.

I feel so blessed that I have you in my life. Thanks for not quitting on us. Thanks for giving me Sam. Thanks for not allowing me to lose myself and helping me find my way back. You are my home.